If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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