so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
