Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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