He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
