update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
