I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
