i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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