I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
