this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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