there's paper in my vomit.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
