Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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