that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
