remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
