For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
