ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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