I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
