Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
