I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
