I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
