id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
