Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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