the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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