I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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