Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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