mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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