I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
