Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
