dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize