Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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