i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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