This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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