When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
