How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
