when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
