hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
