Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
