The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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