i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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