His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
