You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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