mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
