So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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