They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
