Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
