Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
