Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
