maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I stole a fireplace last night.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
