hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
