My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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