Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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