Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
