You made me cry and you don't even care
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
