Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
