im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
