They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
