I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
zippers are such a cool invention
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
