I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize