So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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