Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
