Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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