Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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