John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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