Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
