dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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