a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
