my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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