Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Girls should come with a carfax report
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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