So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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