I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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