yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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